ZANZIBARI MUSICIAN HOSTAGE OF EAST AFRICAN PIRATES

RINGITONE STAR ALI-Z HOSTAGE OF EAST AFRICAN PIRATES

East African Ringitone star Ali-Z was hamstrung and taken hostage by
automatic weapon toting pirates in the early hours of Sunday morning
off of the East African archipelago of Zanzibar. Several of his guests
were injured and robbed of their possessions at a champagne brunch
after-party to the Death Star Unplugged environmental awareness
concerts which had taken place earlier that day up and down the
Swahili speaking East African coast.

Guests were snapping pictures of several frogmen who were posing as
black-pearl divers when suddenly the leeward sides of the boats in the
flotilla were simultaneously boarded by men in Barawa lungis
brandishing spearfishing guns. Ali Z in a typical show of Swahili hospitality
welcomed the men to eggs Benedict, ice cold Moet and showed them several bikini clad
aid workers who were dancing to the sounds of Zenji Flava and Ringitone
on the lido deck of his Scarab cigarette speedboat. The leader of the
group, later identified as Slinger Francisco promptly unsheathed a
Turkana simi concealed in his waistcloth and hamstrung the
unsuspecting Z and catching in mid-air, his large cohiba cigar placed
it in his mouth and proceeded  to instruct guests to remove all
valuables. Forcing them to walk the plank, Francisco made off with mad
cheddar as a despondent Z lay bleeding in pool of Crys, piss and
bilgewater. Just hours later a video surfaced on a repatriationist
website showing a haggard Ali Z in good spirits in the dark makuti
backdrop of the BPLA hideout. He said, "In the future I will shut the
fuck up when I don't know," and said  "I am being treated well and am
learning alot. And they gave me, like a mosquito net and whatnot, so
its all good!"

"Oh my god, that was so whacked! I couldn't believe how mean they
were." Remarked Kathy Johannson, commonly known Clove-Nyce, a member
of The Spyce Girls, the Swanglish bubblegum Ringitone trio made up
entirely of ex-pat Anti-Excision activists from Berkeley who was among
those who performed at the Death Star concerts and had been aboard Z's
boat "Fiesta Mami" when the incident took place.

BPLA is a ambiguous group with no clear aims dominated by the whims of
its leader Slinger Francisco, a shadowy figure who has in the past had
links to Mungiki and Mashiftah criminal elements up and down the East
African Coast. He has also has been identified as a major player the
illegal " African blood pearl" trade and has been linked to the
alleged mercenary activities of Haines International in a failed coup
attempt in the tiny oil rich islands of San Pedro. Francisco who was
born, Natty Morgan, in the rural Jamaican Parish of Westmoreland rose
to prominence as the charismatic polygamist leader of the millenarian
Church of the Rice Bowl movement in the late 70's which grew out of
the shantytowns and back alleys of Illtown, East Orange. After being
indicted for tax evasion and e-mail fraud in the famed Borman Six Case
he was jailed at Clinton State Correctional facility for Women where
he made a daring escape and fled to Guyana, reluctantly welcomed by the
Burnham government. Years later he resurfaced as the chakacha crooner
The Stinker with a string of hits including "White Man's Hell is a
Black Man's Paradise" and  "Don't Touch Me Pylons, Holly".

"Our thoughts go out to you Ali Z. Stay strong and keep it real, son,"
the Zenji Flava artist Case Quarter appeals in a stylish PSA run
hourly on the African video channel MTV BASE. If you want to sign the
petition calling for Ali Z's speedy safe return, click on the link
below.

http://www.myspace.com/lulunyeusi